I’m not qualified to be giving diet and nutrition advice in the same way Donald Trump isn’t qualified to be sitting in the Oval Office, but apparently qualifications are more of a “nice-to-have” than a steadfast prerequisite these days. So, with President-elect Trump as my inspiration, I’m going to give you clowns a lesson in eating right!
My sole qualification for writing on this topic is the fact that I feel above-average to excellent 95% of the time. I attribute these good feelings largely to my diet and recreational drug abuse. Because most of us eat multiple times per day, we can gather large amounts of data on what we’re consuming in a short amount of time without exuding much effort. By paying a little bit of attention to how you feel each day (God forbid you be so selfish), you’ll be able to draw conclusions on the affect that food has on your energy levels, ability to focus, and mood. Of course you can also identify relationships between consumption and objective physical measurements like weight, body mass index, and whether or not you have bigger biceps than your dad. Don’t blindly accept what internet experts publish regarding how specific food ought to make you feel – demonstrate the slightest bit of self-awareness and let your body be the informant.
The diet/nutrition advice market is obnoxiously over-saturated and I guarantee you can find far superior information elsewhere on the web. I actually think it would be a challenge to find worse content than the shit I’m about to share. Having said that, it’s my hope that somewhere in the next eight-hundred words lies a nugget of information that provides legitimate value to even a single person. The percentage of Americans suffering from obesity, diabetes, heart disease, ADHD, and cantdoapullupitis is growing by the day so apparently all the sophisticated publications out there aren’t reaching their target audience. So how about Markie takes a whack at it?
Use common sense, but not all the time
In my experience, the keys to a healthy diet are known by 99.9% of eaters:
- Eat a shit-ton of fruits and vegetables
- Don’t eat a shit-ton of sugar and bad fat
That’s about it. If you can follow those two rules, you’ll be well on your way to the exclusive club that only allows members that don’t have any of the aforementioned diseases.
However, these rules are easy to inadvertently break and are actually somewhat contradictory. For example, most people think that drinking orange juice is super healthy. Well, they’re fucking wrong. While it is naturally produced, orange juice is overflowing with sugar. Like such a large amount of sugar that after a glass you’ve reached your daily recommended limit and have tripled your chances of becoming diabetic. Others might think that nomming on bread, pasta, and rice is being health-conscious, but it probably isn’t. All three of these consist of simple (refined) carbs which means, in their fundamental state, they are mostly sugar. These types of foods are calorie dense yet won’t make you feel full. If you consume such foods frequently, you’re guaranteed to sacrifice your membership to my club.
So instead of providing a few vague rules for you to follow, I’m going to do what I always aim to do in my articles – provide specific actionable recommendations on how to transform your life.
Markie’s guide to being a champion of eating well
- Eat all the vegetables. Don’t even ask, just do it. They’re beneficial regardless of what you’re health/fitness goals are. Trying to get ripped? No carbs here. Trying to live forever? More vitamins than GNC can dream of.
- Eat a lot more white meat and fish than red meat. But you can still eat some red meat. If you’re not morally against it. A single serving of lean meat will put you in a good position to reach your daily protein consumption goals. If you’re going to partake in the glorious pleasure of eating red meat, you need to maintain an active lifestyle to avoid clogging your arteries. Nothing in this life is free. Except Portillo’s chocolate cake on your birthday.
- Fruits have a lot of vitamins and minerals, but also a lot of sugar so they need to be consumed in moderation (contrary to what you’ve been brainwashed to believe). The exception to this rule is tomatoes and avocados. Go nuts with these. I’m convinced that if you eat an avocado every day, you’ll never die.
- Consuming dairy is strange. Mammals are not intended to consume the breast-milk of another mammal. The fact that humans have no problem with it is fucked up. Fact: we all have some level of lactose intolerance.
- If you’re trying to lose weight or make your muscles big and shiny, avoid bread, rice, and pasta. Simple carbs eat away at your pecs, shoulders, abs, and any other muscles that look better with oil.
- Don’t drink calories if you can help it. For what it’s worth, I limit myself to almond milk (for smoothies) and alcohol (so I can tolerate life). If you ever find yourself questioning God’s grace, just remember that coffee is calorie-free.
Cook for yourself
When you prepare your own food, you control what goes into it. You can choose recipes or make substitutions that are in the best interest of your health. This isn’t the case when a restaurant or your Mom makes a dish for you. A restaurant’s best interest is in the business’s bottom line – that means making food as delicious as possible as cheaply as possible. This is a combination that surely doesn’t optimize for your health. Your Mom’s best interest is making meals that taste so good you have no choice but to spend more time with her. You can bet she’s going to opt for butter instead of olive oil, cream instead of balsamic, and something tells me whatever comes out of the oven is going to be smothered in cheese.
I’m a firm believer that, along with sleeping habits, our diet is the primary contributor to our well-being. There are countless nutrition plans available that provide sexy explanations as to why theirs is the best. Where these programs fall short is in their ease of execution – most demand large amounts of time, effort, and/or money, or are simply so strict that you feel deprived when carrying it out.
I believe that a simplistic approach will yield the best results in the realm of dieting and nutrition. The recommendations above are specific in the sense that they provide clear direction, but can be carried out in a multitude of ways. For example, “eat all the vegetables” is not easily misunderstood but allows for infinite possibilities in its execution.
Adhering to these rules will allow you to reach whatever health goal you’ve defined for yourself, while being flexible enough to prevent any prolonged feeling of deprivation. If you decide to give my suggestions a shot, be sure to take plenty of cheat days (5-6 per month is what I target); doing so will enable you to stick to the program for longer. I’ve found that taking cheat days not only gives me time to practice indulgence and gluttony, it also has a way of making me want to return to the diet regimen. Call me a nerd, but after a weekend full of bacon-wrapped donuts, deep fried beer, and cheese-covered cigarettes, a kale salad sounds kind of appealing. Who am I kidding, kale has never sounded good to anyone.